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There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here.

I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he ! told me I have
"Schiffer Brains."

No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and
not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
 

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If you see a heat wave, do you wave back?

Why do 24 hour convienience stores have locks on the doors?

Why is it that the bullets bounce off of Superman's chest but he ducks if the gun is thrown at him?

I'm not losing my hair, I'm getting head.

I'm lost...gone to look for myself, If I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.

I can only please one person a day...today isn't your day. Tommorrow doesn't look good either.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're O.K. now.

Life is short... or great, NOW they tell me!

What do you say to God when he sneezes?
 
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